Spinner Rack: The Kryptonite Girl, Part Two

Last month we began chronicling Lois's misadventures as The Kryptonite Girl (Superman's Girl Friend Lois Lane #16, reprinted in Giant Lois Lane Annual #2) because it's a prime example of Superman being a total jerk to Lois Lane – something I hated when I was a little girl. Naturally, I wanted to revisit that hatred. Nothing like a good head of steam to start the day!

To recap the story so far, Superman brought Lois some souvenirs from space and told her she could take pictures of them, "… but do not, under any circumstances, handle the objects in the box!" Within a panel, Lois handled the objects in the box. The consequences of this action were dire. She developed kryptonite vision! We left off with Superman paying a visit to the offices of The Daily Planet. He is accidentally exposed to Lois's green beams when her sunglasses fall off.

And this is where Superman gets ugly. My little-girl sensibilities would have been shocked and heartbroken as Superman says, "You little idiot! I warned you to keep hands off! Now you're a menace to my life! Go far away! Get lost!!"

Oh, Superman, how could you?? That's Lois Lane you're screaming at! That's your girlfriend! That's a woman who has stood by your side, given you her heart, and shown time and again that she's an intelligent, courageous soul whose only sin, in this case, was a reporter's curiosity! And you, you big bully, called her an IDIOT??? I don't know if I can forgive you. An idiot! A menace! "Go far away!" and "Get Lost!!" – the latter with two exclamation points instead of the requisite one.

[A note: DC's Silver Age comics used exclamation points instead of periods. Every single non-question sentence has an exclamation point at the end. When I was a kid I never noticed them at all. It was most likely a way to make it all seem more exciting, urgent and "animated." This way, the static drawings can take on elements of movement on a subconscious level. Well, that's my theory, anyway. Now back to the story.]

Does Lois "the spitfire" Lane give him what for? Does she unleash the power of her writer's gift and carve the invulnerable man a new one?

No. She says, "D-don't worry! I'll go… ::sob:: I'll never bother you again!" I found this just as jarring as Superman's uncalled-for meltdown. Since when did Lois start taking that kind of language without so much as a whimper in her own defense? Yeah, sure, she touched his toys. But, sheesh! It wasn't like he warned her she'd get kryptonite vision from them! Lois would never have come near his silly souvenirs if he'd explained why she wasn't allowed to touch them. And Superman knows how curious she is. It was like throwing a round of gouda in front of a starving mouse and telling it to "look, not touch."

Our little mousey Lane goes home and starts packing, with a very sad and worried Lucy looking on. Lois picks up a photo of Superman and thinks, "I'll … take this autographed photo of Superman along … to remind me of the wonderful man I loved with all my heart, and … so foolishly … lost …"

::sniff:: Why, Lois? Why do you love him so, despite the way he treated you? ::sob:: Oh, woe is she. ::snorfle:: I need a Kleenex.

Lois heads to her window in an effort to recreate the splash page. Her melancholy memory flashes on all those times she'd glanced at the sky, dreaming of seeing Superman. Naturally, he appears, gets caught in the green beams and starts falling out of the sky. His compassionate words to the woman who'd been his girlfriend and who was now leaving forever? "Great scott! Are you still here? What do you want to do, destroy me? Get out of town before you kill me!" Quite a guy, that Superman.

Lois heads to Alaska because it's so "far, far away." Enter the non-PC early 60s. She goes to an "Eskimo community near Nome, Alaska," where she's greeted by, "Look! Magic light from eyes!" and "She's a – goddess!" Then we get this wonderful caption: "In the days that follow, Lois adopts a new way of life, as the Eskimos' beloved 'Goddess with the Magic Eyes' …" I wonder how one adapts to that sort of life? Apparently, one teaches English in exchange for blubber. Then the children sing to her about ::sob:: ::choke:: Superman. Saw that one coming, didn't you?

Just then, Superman flies by on his way to his Fortress of Solitude. Lois runs away, apparently to go fishing. I have to admit, I like the panel of her fishing. She's just holding a string, looking bored. She's already caught a couple of keepers, so maybe she is magic goddess Lois, fish whisperer.

Suddenly, a helicopter flies overhead, calling her name. Actually, the helicopter doesn't call her name. It's the people inside – Jimmy Olsen and Clark Kent! They've brought her the antidote. Really? Clark is there? Won't he be in trouble if she so much as glances at him? Lois thinks the same thing (foreshadowed by that one panel a long time ago when Superman and Clark missed each other yet again in the offices of the Planet). Lois fakes drinking the antidote and then looks right at Clark. He's unaffected by it, other than giving a smirk. Satisfied that this proves Clark isn't Superman, she drinks the serum and voila! No more kryptonite vision! So she flies off in the chopper, leaving behind her waving, worshipping Eskimos.

As they chopper out, Clark does some major thought-ballooning explanations of what we just read. The objects just gave her green beam vision. No kryptonite at all. So he faked all the pain and anguish, blew her sunglasses off, and made sure to show up more than once to prove how horrible it was. Why? To teach her a lesson and shore up his secret ID. He even dares to think, "But the biggest laugh of all is that Lois never did have kryptonite vision!" Oh, really – that's the biggest laugh of all? That really cracked you up, did it? Bwa ha ha! Look at Lois's heart breaking! Isn't that a hoot?

What a _____ (this is a family column and therefore I shall not use the words that are currently polluting my brain)! All that anguish for nothing? Just a condescending, "I'll teach you to be curious, Missy!" done to a woman whose profession demands curiosity?

Happily, Lois has the last laugh as she thinks about how boring Clark is. And yeah, she also thinks about how wonderful Supes is, but I'm taking my happiness where I can find it in this story. Truth is, if I'd read this story as a little girl, I might never have bought another Superman comic. Yeah, right, who am I kidding? I was hooked like an Alaskan fish on Lois's string.

Joanna Sandsmark — A former writer for DC Comics and TV's Weird Science, Joanna Sandsmark is also the author of The Wisdom of Yo Meow Ma, A Girl's Best Friend, 10 Spiritual Lessons You Can Learn from Your Cat, 10 Spiritual Lessons You Can Learn from Your Dog, and Explore Your Destiny with Runes. If you'd like to learn more, including a detailed bio and more information about Joanna's books, please visit her website or visit her blog.

This is a guest article. The thoughts and opinions in this piece are those of their author and are not necessarily the thoughts of the Certified Collectibles Group.