Spinner Rack: The Superman Bizarro! Part One

I love Bizarros. It’s so important to them to be strange, that true strangeness suddenly becomes the norm. In a world where the strange is the norm and the norm is the strange, how does one achieve perfect strangeness? Well, bring in the real Superman and maybe we'll find out.

The splash page in "The Superman Bizarro!" (Action Comics #264 from May 1960) shows Lois, Perry and Jimmy rejecting what appears to be a Bizarro, but is really Superman. My copy is coverless, but I looked up the cover and it's along a similar theme. After all, when you have Supes pleading with his dearest friends and they're calling him an "inhuman monster" and a "super-Frankenstein creature," you'll get my attention pretty darn quickly, cover or not. So they hedged their bets and made the splash page able to attract even if the cover gets separated. I imagine that happened a lot, back in the day. I know it did to me. I read my comics over and over and over again — and protection of a collectible was not in my vocabulary. Comics were for reading. A spinner rack and great stories ruled the day. Ah, but I digress.

Our story begins with Superman, as is his way, out destroying radioactive asteroids. I can't even tell you how many times that's happened to me. Anyway, he comes upon a strange world (found to be strange by the appearance of a weird clock and leaning buildings. Thank goodness he didn't accidentally land in Pisa) that turns out to be Bizarro World. It is inhabited only by imperfect duplicates of Superman and Lois Lane.

Supes is still somewhat new to the Bizarro culture, so he's in for a surprise. Sitting down in a restaurant, he gets the exposition out of the way (opposite blah blah, imitator machine blah blah, you know the drill) so he can go do his do-gooder thing and repair a bunch of houses. Superman is immediately arrested for making the houses perfect. It is “against law to fix things right.”

It is at this point that Superman is shown the Bizarro code. I suppose this is a bit like our Constitution, i.e. the laws that we live by. It reads, in its entirety, “Us hate beauty! Us love ugliness! Is crime to make anything perfect on Bizarro World!” You'd think Superman would've picked up a few pointers from the last time he ran into the Bizarros. Instead he ends up in court and is declared guilty. (I would've guessed innocent since that's the opposite of his obvious guilt.) Kryptonite handcuffs keep the big guy under control but do not hurt Bizarros. They aim a Bizarro Ray at Superman to change him into a Bizarro. (Me am saying "Bizzaro" too much, therefore I'll keep saying it because that opposite of gooder writing.) Supes is not happy. Luckily, our hero is saved by the gavel as the Bizarro judge calls for lunch. (See? Me could've just said "judge" but me am terrible writer and said Bizarro again — Me deserve Pulitzer. Or Stanley Cup. Or a delete key.)

Superman is returned to jail, his kryptonite handcuffs removed. He can't escape because a guard in a tower — or a guard in a giant light bulb, or possible crystal ball — has a non-super ray gun. That would be the end of Superman's superpowers. Instead he goes to sleep. This gives the writer an excuse to pen a lengthy dream sequence. Apparently, Superman talks in his sleep! Actually, he doesn't just talk, he narrates his dreams. Wow!

Superman tells us, “:: mumble:: they're carrying out the sentence! :: mumble::” Oh, goody. Superman is a Bizarro! And it's a life sentence in his dream. He has Bizarro Loises hanging all over him. He can't stand it so he flies to Earth and makes a mask and gloves out of plastic asbestosis! This was written back when asbestos was considered space-age technology. Asbestos was neato! And since Superman doesn't want his mask and gloves to burn off in air friction, he decides to wear carcinogenic plastic. Not that he'll get cancer. Just anyone he touches.

When he flies to Metropolis, Superman learns that Clark Kent robot #2 did a great job taking Superman's place at the Daily Planet. Lois sits unaware that there are Bizarro duplicates of her on Bizarro World and complements Clark on the new stories he, meaning his robot, wrote last week. It appears that the robot is a better writer than Clark himself. Clark is only worried about the edge of his fake face showing. I have to say that's an unusual thing to worry about, but it's a good idea to keep hidden. And while you're at it, try not to get any asbestos on the office furniture.

Believe it or not, the dream continues. Our narrating, sleeping Superman thinks, “th-that awful Bizarro face under my mask! Nobody must ever see it! It would create panic, just as the original Bizarros face did when he was on Earth!" Supes clutches his super-shirt, aping the movement to hide the edge of his fake face. This is quite the nightmare.

As the dream continues, an experimental plane is named for Superman, who's there just in case trouble arises. I suspect trouble is waiting in the wings and doesn't care who's there. He's gonna arise and then some.

In Superman's thought balloons, he is obsessed with someone seeing his mask. Unfortunately, the plane doesn't really work well. The pilot loses control and ditches. Superman goes after the S-16, which will explode on a town below. Taking the controls, Superman flies 100 miles above the earth and blows it up. Unfortunately, he doesn't notice that it also blew up his face mask and flesh gloves.

Everyone screams in horror and thinks he's a monster. They shoot at him and he flies away. As he walks down the street, the citizens call him names and run away from him. I loved this panel. He's got a brick bouncing off his head, thrown from somewhere to the right of the panel's edge, and he doesn't appear to feel it. A car runs into a light pole, people run and scream at the sight of him, and he's thinking, "Please, won't anybody listen? …::choke!::" He needs to either make himself another asbestos mask & gloves or end his dream by waking up. Instead, he heads to the Daily Planet. Oh, that'll go well. (And can you believe we're still in a dream sequence? It goes on for pages and pages!)

Once at the Daily Planet, Superman tries to explain why he has a Bizarro appearance. Jimmy decides to set off his signal watch to see if the real Superman will answer, but of course nobody comes. They immediately jump to the conclusion that Bizarro killed Superman. Really? That's the only possible answer? You've got some real optimists for friends, Supes.

Naturally, Superman is immediately jailed and continues to be taunted by his Daily Planet coworkers. At that point, Superman wakes up. (Yeeha!) “I… I'm still in this jail on the world of Bizarros! And if they change me to Bizarro form, and I go back to earth, I'll end up in an earthly jail! Either way my future looks hopeless! :: Groan::”

I find it fascinating that Superman considers his dream to be projected truth. There's no doubt in his mind that the dream is the reality he'll face as a Bizarro. Superman is left in a jail cell without hope after having a dream that left him in a jail cell without hope. I suppose Superman is so used to being infallible that he knows no other way to be.

What will happen to our hero? Will his dream come true, thereby saving DC a ton of money by not having to pay their artists for all the pages since they could just re-use the dream stuff? Come back next month for part two of the Superman Bizarro!

This is a guest article. The thoughts and opinions in this piece are those of their author and are not necessarily the thoughts of the Certified Collectibles Group.